Please Find Me After A Broken Heart

By Rayi Noormega - May 05, 2017

I do believe that having a broken heart is something so painful yet precious to be felt. When I had a broken heart, I fully recognized myself as a human being. It was the sense which I was able to feel every nerve in my chest was aching, and I could hear the sounds of my heart shattered in pieces. The broken heart moment was my adventure of a lifetime and I’m proud of having it.
But don’t come closer when I have a broken heart, please find me after.
I want to be the best version of myself when I find my true love. I want you to see my healed scars and I don’t want you to become my savior during my battles.
I want you to see me as a warrior; the girl who saved herself and succeed to pursue her highest goals while she’s actually bleeding and hurting inside.
I want to experience every inch of the pain itself; let me feel the storm and its icy wind, the hopelessness and the depression, and the struggles to get through the lowest point of my life. I want to be found as a survivor.
I want my true love to see me as a whole person who is filled with passion. When I had a broken heart, I felt empty inside and no more sparks ignited from within. I don’t want you to see me while I was struggling to collect the rest of my passions to get through the day.

I want to be that girl who can find her own passion back after someone broke her heart. I want you to see me as the girl who never loses her energy while her heart was stolen. Let me fill my own emptiness.

I want to be found as the girl who is full of love. A broken heart will make me numb as its aftermath; I won’t feel a thing but pain. A broken heart will make me think twice about falling in love; I won’t even believe that true love does exist. I don’t want to meet you while I feel nothing, because I want to love you deeply. If I am able to love you deeply after I had a broken heart, it means that I have already confronted my own fear of getting hurt. Because in the end, I still want to be a hopeless romantic person; a girl who is ready to fall in love again although she knows it makes her vulnerable.
But you have to understand that I need time, a lot of times, to recover my trust and to have faith that true love is not a total bullshit. The broken heart gave me some memories of being in pain, which I will be haunted by it for a long period of time, and I don’t want to share those nightmares with you. Let me comprehend the meaning of pain, the shattered hearts, the tears, and the chaotic thoughts I had at 2 AM while I picked myself up after my heart was broken.
After I passed the critical period of a broken heart, I promise that you will find me the bravest girl you’ve ever met.
I want to be found as the girl who is content with herself. My self-worth and dignity will be at its lowest point after I had a broken heart. A broken heart will transform me into a dead girl walking; I won’t feel the warmth of the sun, the happiness behind each laughs that I did with my friends, and the feeling of fully being alive. I don’t want you to see me as the girl whose soul is not fully present when you talk about your deepest secrets.
I want to be found as a work of art. I want to be seen as the girl who has her own beautiful mess as the result of the bleeding love she had. When you find me, you will see a beautiful chaos within me, just like the gradation of the sky at dawn and the supernova which produced the brightest stars. Then, I will send the warmth from the thousand suns I have in my eyes right into your heart.

I want you to wait patiently until my heart is ready.

Please find me when I am strong enough to open myself again; to give trust, and to break down my own walls which protect my heart. Please don’t give up waiting for me; I am on my way to fix myself. Then, when we both are ready, I promise to give the best version of myself only for you. I will meet you halfway and you can have my heart completely, and you will be the only person who has my heart; without the risk of breaking it into parts.
Featured image via Caleb Frith
Originally published at Thought Catalog (September 3, 2016)

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