"It's hard to read you," you said. It was the first time we ended the day half an hour before midnight. A year ago. You sat in front of me and I smiled only several inches away just to make sure I wouldn't fall, as your words were enough to make you as my next home. You were wearing a blue shirt, your favorite color. I held myself not to laugh too many times at your silly jokes and I counted each minute which passed, memorizing each second I was able to see your pair of eyes. I was afraid. You were saying some words and you leaned on your chair like nothing happened. I was building walls high enough from within, knowing that you were one of those people who might teared it down effortlessly.
"Me? Hard to read? No, not at all," I said. Then, our topic changed. So did my heart. Little did he know, I was made of childhood fairy tales but without Prince Charming who always saved the day as I knew for sure that no one will ever save me but myself. As I grew up, I was made of poetry which I wrote from the ruins of my loved ones who once built a steady home within myself and they left me behind with some broken windows and an open door. I was shattered here and there as my collection of poetry was made out of those broken promises or broken trusts. It was fun to find some words which rhymed with each other as I got lost to find the perfect phrases just to forget how painful it was to have a broken heart. That night, I knew for sure that his name would fit perfectly behind the words which I would write for the next months ahead. I knew for sure that I lied to you that night. I wouldn't let you read me further into the story which I hid on the shelf, knowing that you were already standing on the porch and I would let the door open even long before you had the intention to knock it three times. I wouldn't let you read me. I wouldn't let you in after those raging storms hit me hard and cracked my window open at 2 AM. Since then, I know for sure that I don't have to peek through the window to spot you. I just know that you're always there, standing on the porch while I'm collecting some words and phrases to define who you truly are instead of letting you in. I hope, I will have another day when we end it half an hour before midnight. And when that day comes, before we say goodbye, I will say, "I am an open book. And you will always be my chapters."
July, 2019 --- Thank you for passing by. I owe you my book. Literally.
I guess,
Wonder Woman can't come today as she brought you here, in front of my front
door bleeding your heart out. Maybe, she is fighting some battles within
herself too as she knows that she can't help other people when all she needs is
saving herself. Maybe, she forgets to tell you that everything will be fine and
even if she has said it, you no longer believe her the way you used to when you
were 5 years old. Today, like any other day when Wonder Woman couldn't come
along to save someone's day, they knocked on my front door, asked me some
questions, and like any other day, I will say, "I don't know."
If the next
person comes along, together with her broken heart on her hands or the past
which sticks below his shoes, I will say, “I don’t know.”
I don’t know
the way to make it through the day when Wonder Woman can’t come to save the day
and I forget the way to wear my cape all by myself. I don’t know the way to fix
the window of his heart when she just got into the house and left the door open
with the pieces of broken trust left on his porch. I don’t even know how to
trace his footsteps or smell his perfume once he left you disappointed right
after he kissed your darkness last night.
If the next
person comes along, together with countless questions about life, loss, and
grieve stitched upon his skin or embroidered beautifully along with her dress,
I will say, “I don’t know.”
I don’t know
the way to heal the wounds which couldn’t be healed with a cup of hot chocolate
or a single band-aid that I just bought to stop you from bleeding. I don’t know
the fastest way for you just to breathe when you gasp for air, drowned from the
ocean of loss and denial anchored you down below. I don’t know how to keep you
afloat and make you realize that there are still plenty of fishes in the sea
when I know that all you need is a steady shore to rest down your fear which
keeps you wide awake last night at 2 AM.
I don’t know
how to heal our wounds overnight.
But, I know
for sure that even Wonder Woman can’t come today, we’ll try to sew the cape and
we’ll wear it all by ourselves. We’ll try to fix the broken window and put the
broken glasses piece by piece and if somebody shattered it over again, we’ll
buy some extra glues and I’ll keep it save in the drawer in case you want to
put it all together, all by yourself. We’ll learn how to swim when the
hurricanes were already gone and the sea was steady once more, but if the
thunder comes from the west or the east with some stronger waves, listen to the
way it breaks you hard and don’t fight the coldness of the wind. Let yourself
drown until you know that the depth of the ocean will no longer suffocate your
lungs ever again.
If the next person comes
along in front of my front door while he or she is bleeding and says, “I
need your help.” I will let them in and instead of giving them the answers,
some band-aids, or the steps of healing, I will hold their hands and lend them
the mirror I used to see my own blood and say,
“May you see
nothing but forgiveness."
Wonder Woman can't come today. She is standing in my front door and I let her in. Jakarta, July 7 2019 | 17:57
Sometimes, everything is falling apart. Maybe, you just had a terrible day, your heart was breaking, or you can’t shut off your own negative thoughts. I get it. You just had “one of those days” which feels unbearable. You see, I won’t say that everything will be better soon. I won’t say that you’ll find the silver lining and you’ll have a better day tomorrow because I don’t know if it will. But, what I can do is to give you some sentences as reminders for you to be gentle with yourself. These are some positive self-talk that you can always read whenever you’re just having one of those bad days.
1. I want you to remember that everybody has their own bad day.
2. Thank you for making it this far.
3. You’ve survived countless battles in your life and you will pass this raging storm as well.
4. At the end of the day, everything will be fine.
5. Sometimes, it’s okay to let everything happens the way it is.
6. If you feel like this world disappoints you, take a little time to rest.
7. You don’t have to pretend that you’re fine all the time.
8. Nobody is completely sure about what they’re doing every day.
9. You don’t have to always know what’s going on with yourself.
10. Sometimes, it’s better to not knowing all the answers to your questions.
11. It’s okay not to feel okay.
12. If you feel like you’re lost, you’re totally normal.
13. You are exactly where you need to be.
14. Having doubts is part of the journey to find yourself.
15. You don’t have to figure out everything right now.
16. Even Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, or Steve Jobs had bad days sometimes.
17. It’s okay to stop for a while and take a break.
18. Putting your own happiness above everything else is not a selfish thing to do.
19. Your well-being is the most important thing in the world.
20. It’s okay to seek help.
21. Because you don’t have to handle everything by yourself.
22. And if you want to cry, cry as long as you want.
23. Maybe, everything will be better or maybe not, but please keep the faith that you’ll be fine.
24. Even if all you did today were just getting up and able to go out of your house, you’re still doing better than a lot of people.
25. You’re not a bad person just because you say, “I need to take care of myself first.”
26. And it’s okay to say no to the things you don’t want to do.
27. Crying for no reason is still a perfectly acceptable reason to cry.
28. Sometimes, all you need to do is hug yourself and say, “You’re doing so great and I’m so proud of you.”
29. You deserve to be loved as hard as you love other people.
30. Always be easy with your own growth.
31. And stop beating yourself up because you already did all your best to survive.
32. You’re not in a race, so please have patience and embrace the process.
33. Because at the end of the day, everybody has their own ‘timeline’.
34. And you don’t have to always follow what everyone else’s doing.
35. When life is against you, just do whatever that makes you feel okay.
36. Hold on, help is on the way.
37. It’s okay to be a work in progress.
38. You have a right to break down; even the strongest trees have fallen leaves and the wildest waves will crash into the cliffs.
39. You are allowed to feel sad, so please stop apologizing for your own feelings.
40. I know how difficult it is to shut your own thoughts, you’re not alone.
41. You shouldn’t fix every problem by yourself and sometimes, you need to let it fix by itself.
42. Finding your own strength is one of the strongest things you can possibly do.
43. “Grieve. So that you can be free to feel something else.”
44. It is totally okay and valid to be sad for no reason.
45. Because your feelings are valid but don’t be too drown in it.
46. This too shall pass.
47. Sometimes even just being able to get up from your bed is a strength.
48. But sometimes you can’t even find the strength for it— and that doesn’t make you a failure.
49. So, take as much time as you need to feel better.
50. Thank you for holding on.
I admire your strength. Keep going. Featured image by Brandon Woelfel Originally published at Thrive Global (February 13, 2019)
Before we walk further into the new year, let us step back for a second and set aside your resolutions. Set aside all of your bucket lists and let your mind be at ease. Let yourself reflect for a second and rewind your main intention for this whole new year.
If you have set an intention for 2019, great. But if you haven’t decided your intention for the next 12 months, it’s totally okay. Whether you’ve found your intention or otherwise, please make sure that your main intention in this new year involves the act of giving.
Let 2019 be the year you’ll give your best to the world, no matter how unfair the world is. Give your best effort to achieve those goals. Apply for that dream job. Show up for that interview. Sign yourself up for a competition. Give yourself a chance to break your own limit and go beyond your comfort zone.
Dare to quit from something that’s toxic for you. Give yourself a chance to choose and believe that you don’t deserve any less than your worth. See how far you can go and if you fail, it doesn’t matter at all because the most important thing is you’re giving yourself a chance to try.
Let this be the year you’ll focus on positivity. Learn how to regulate your own emotions and how to respond positively to other people’s rudeness. Give yourself plenty of time to discover many new things around you.
Explore those roads less traveled and meet new people along the way. Join a cooking or a watercolor painting class. Find out your true interests and ask many questions. Give time for many things which add positive values for your own well-being.
Let this be the year you’ll give space for your loved ones to roam the world. Let this be the year you’ll learn the art of letting go. Give yourself a time to accept the fact that you can’t make people stay. Give them a space to wander and set them free. Always remember that those who are meant to be yours will never pass you by.
This year, give your heart space for letting people go as your loved ones will always gravitate back toward you, no matter how far they wander. Give yourself a chance to believe that you can grow and stand tall with or without anyone’s presence.
Let 2019 be the year you give love to others without having any expectations. Give your time to be a good listener for the people who need to be heard. Be the person who loves more. Be the one who texts first and wants to know whether they’re doing okay.
Confess your love to him or her because there is no guarantee that you’ll have tomorrow. Give yourself a chance to fall deeply and fearlessly in love. Give yourself a chance to be brave enough for feeling the pain of a broken heart, because no matter how painful it is, you’ll survive.
Be the person who cares the most, the one who doesn’t want anything but to see other people happy. Donate to those people in need. Share your knowledge to those people who want to learn from you. Write a journal and let your voice give positive impacts to the world. Let this be the year you give the best version of yourself to the world.
And most of all, let this be the year you learn to love yourself Dedicate time for yourself to learn the true meaning of self-love. Give yourself plenty of time to forgive and accept those mistakes you did in the past. Give space for yourself to breathe and pause once in a while to appreciate yourself.
Be proud of yourself that you’ve moved forward this far and survived those raging storms. Thank yourself for being so strong this whole time, because not everyone could be as strong as you are. Let this be the year you’ll give time to accept and love yourself inside and out.
At this beginning of 2019, let us set the right intention. The intention to give more than we take. To give our best effort to be better than before. To love others hard and love ourselves harder.
Featured image via Falllenskies
Originally published at Thrive Global (January 15, 2019)
As Mary Poppins Returnsis playing in the cinemas and I watched Christopher Robina couple months ago, I can’t help but think that there’s some kind of a rendezvous trend of movies for the 90s generation to remembering our childhood heroes once again. This trend made me compare my childhood hero with the stock character type which these lately become a trend too in young adults rom-con and drama movies; a manic pixie dream girl.
The Manic Pixie Dream Girls (MPDGs)
The term Manic Pixie Dream Girl occurred based on the observation from a Film Critic, Nathan Rabin in 2007 towards the character of Kirsten Dunst in the Elizabethtown movie. The MPDG refers to “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.”
Natalie Portman as the Sam in Garden State (2004), Margo Roth in Paper Towns(2015), and even the Summer in (500) Days of Summer (2009) are some characters who are identified as MPDGs. A manic pixie dream girl is usually stunningly attractive, energetic, high on life, and full of wacky quirks. As she is extremely adventurous, an MPDG has no ambitions and she knows exactly that she lives only once. Thus, she embraces her life to the fullest.
The purpose of this female character is usually to help the broody male character to see that this life is full of infinite possibilities. Usually, an MPDG will teach our main male character to have fun, break the rules, and do whatever they want as she will disregard all the sadness and negative emotions throughout the film. Simply put, an MPDG has been the hero of the main male protagonist to achieve happiness without ever seeking any independent goals herself.
My only question will be, does a manic pixie dream girl really exist? Is there any female figure who is extremely excited about everything, disregard most of her negative emotions all the time, and has no personal goals and ambitions? If it’s a yes, then she’s must be the dream girl for all the guys out there, isn’t she?
The Anti-Princess Characters
I grew up as a woman who is completely on the contrary of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl character. When I was 5 years old, I still remember how my mom made me and my older sister watch Mulan (1998) several times and I can’t deny that Mulanis my childhood hero until now.
Mulanwas teaching me the feeling of having a complete free-will, bravery, kindness, and how to face our fears at the same time. As cliche as it sounds, for the 5-years-old me at that time,Mulanis a proof that a girl doesn’t have to be saved by a male character, and even could save all of China pretty much on her own. Since then, I and my sister always obsessed with the anti-princess characters. We love Moana (2016) and Merida from Disney/Pixar’s Brave in 2012. My obsession also went to the character of Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games trilogy (2012-2015).
All of those characters possessed the traits of being independent, driven, hardworking, and fearless. Simply put, they all have personal goals and ambitions. They live this life to the fullest only for achieving what they really want and need, even if it makes them have to fight against the gender roles.
I can’t help but feel that I and my sister grew up to be just like the anti-princess characters. Sometimes, I feel like I came off too strong and bold as I’m a straightforward person. I say what needs to be said and sometimes, this trait perceived as too intimidated in my country, which still has a strong value of patriarchal society.
I can’t deny that sometimes, I listen to those people in my surroundings, as well as my relatives, who give me advice for not too obsessed with my career and being too independent. Thus, having the anti-princess character as my childhood hero in this patriarchal culture is not as easy as it seems- more often than not, it even made me anxious.
MPDGs vs. The Anti-Princess Characters
Both MPDGs and the anti-princesses are the female protagonist characters who are the heroes of the movie. Both of them even share some similarities of personality traits, such as energetic, high on life, fearless, and kind. So, what differentiates both types of character?
Indeed, the personal goals and ambitions are the aspects which differentiate both types. An MPDG has no personal goals as she was simply in the movie to be the ‘savior’ of the main male character. In contrary, the anti-princess is in the movie because she has a strong ambition of reaching her personal goals.
Mulan wanted to replace her father’s role in the battlefield, Merida refused to get into an arranged marriage as she wanted to explore more of her life, Katniss wanted to stop the dictatorship of President Snow, and Moana wanted to discover the world beyond the reef.
Each of the anti-princess has their own personal goals which they could achieve. Personal goals and ambitions are the fuel and the reason why the anti-princess characters existed in the first place.
I came to realize that my mom raised me with the value of an anti-princess character. As a working mom herself even before my older sister born, my mom always teaches me the value and the importance of being independent and fearless until I am becoming a working woman myself.
Nevertheless, I believe that Mulan was the manifestation of my mom as my true childhood hero. She taught me to always stand up for myself, to speak the truth, and to defend myself no matter how hard the situations will get. Through Mulan, my mom gave me an example to be a warrior, regardless of what my gender is. I don’t think people shouldn’t be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl/Boy.
The main purpose of an MPDG is to save someone for living their lives to the fullest. But in fact, nobody should ever be responsible for saving someone’s life.
Each individual is responsible for their own lives and nobody is ever responsible for fixing someone else’s wounds.
So, we, as the thriving human beings, shouldn’t be an MPDG or even has someone who is an MPDG in our lives. Because at the end of the day, we can always be our own hero, with or without someone else’s presence.
Featured image via Hunger Games
Originally published at Thrive Global (January 10, 2019)
Before you go further into 2019, please remind yourself that you’ve unexpectedly grown wiser these past years. Remember those moments when you thought that you wouldn’t survive, but you did. Remember those days when you felt like you don’t even want to wake up, but you conquered the day. Also, remember those times when you lost the way and felt so confused, but eventually, you found yourself again. And remember those moments of having a painful broken heart, disappointment, and rejection, but you made it through until today. Have a moment to appreciate your endless strength and determination to survive. Be proud of yourself as you passed those heavy storms and hurricanes, with or without anyone’s help. Appreciate the way you could bear all the wounds and manage to heal it by time. See the goodness in you instead of blaming yourself for not fulfilling all of your resolutions this year. Don’t focus too much on your failures and focus your attention on how you could pass the many struggles all by yourself.
Thank yourself for moving forward this far, safe and sound.
Forgive yourself for taking those wrong decisions which led you to countless lessons about life. Don’t regret the fact that you chose to stay in the place which you never feel belong. Remember that it took a while to finally find the right way to live your life and to find who you truly are.
Never hate yourself for being too scared to take a leap of faith. It’s okay to make mistakes, to fail, and to miss some opportunities in order for you to learn how it truly feels to be alive. Realize that those failures were supposed to happen for you to find your true self.
Forgive yourself for choosing the wrong person to love. Never regret the way you fell deeply in love with that guy who couldn’t understand how to love a work of art like you. Remember that losing him wasn’t your fault, as you deserve to be loved as hard as you love other people.
Sometimes, you need to know how it truly feels to chase after someone who doesn’t deserve you just so you know how worthy you are. Never kill the flower that grows inside of you for someone who doesn’t see the way it blooms.
This year, please be kinder to yourself.
Prioritize your own well-being above all else. Remember that you are not responsible to fix or heal someone else. Loving yourself first is not selfish, it’s mandatory. The only person who can love you completely is your own self, so don’t try to please anyone. You don’t have to be accepted by others. All you need to do is to accept yourself.
Hence, in 2019, start living your life to the fullest. Don’t settle for shitty things. If you feel like you’re not happy in the place you’re standing now, then move somewhere new. And if you hate your job, quit and find a job which feels like a hobby. If you feel like someone is toxic for you, then leave the relationship.
Book that flight. Apply for that dream job. Break up or make up. Make life-changing decisions. Fall deeply in love with the wrong person. Feel the pain of a broken heart and learn how to attract the kind of love you deserve.
Make mistakes and repeat it until you won’t make the same mistakes over again. Go skydiving. Bungee jumping. Get lost. Say what you feel. Be honest. Be fearless. Confess that you love him or her. Never apologize for being you. Try everything which makes you feel brand new.
In 2019, the only resolution you need to accomplish is to love yourself harder than before.
Rayi Noormega, or so-called Rara, is a full-time learner and a writer who is currently living her life in Indonesia. She learns humans and she writes about them.
